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Dear India:
Why have you done this to me? How did you do this to me? I blame you for all my suffering now. When I was there, I was happy. I was finally happy. After years of training myself to be a good journalist, and years of wanting to be with you, I finally reach you and you take me in with open arms, I thrive in your environment and then you spit me out like a roach in your food.
You know I just can’t figure out why I’m so unhappy sometimes, but then if I think about it, it makes perfect sense, I’m not in India and that’s why I’m not happy.
You first taught me to value myself, to see that I was worth something, to have confidence in myself. That was one of the most important gifts you gave me, and now that I am not with you and dissolved in you, I no longer have the reinforcement or the environment in which I can continue on with those teachings. I used to think that learning this lesson and depending on you as a country to give this to me, as opposed to a human, I would be safe. I thought it was secure to depend on a country for these lessons. But I never knew you could be ripped away from me just like a partner could. That’s why this was such a blow to me. After figuring that it was better and safer to put my love into a career and a country both inanimate things, I never imagined I would be hurt like this. I never imagined that I would have to say good bye to the lessons and fulfillment you gave me.
And that’s precisely why I got so hurt, and why two years after the fact I still hurt. I was blindsided. I’m a very careful person when it comes to putting all my eggs into one basket when it comes to my love and I was sure
So, what did I do to try and get over you? The same thing I did when I was trying to get over Simon—go after something else I thought I would love—school. I threw myself into switching gears and going after something really big and what I thought would be unattainable, but if I got it, I thought I would be on top of the world. And I went after
But what happened? I got exactly what I wanted and I am not happy. Why did this happen this time? I tell myself it was because I was using
Once I moved to be with you, there were growing pains and there were uncomfortable adjustment periods, but we made a good team. It’s the only time I’ve felt like a team. You gave me what I wanted and I gave you something of value. It was the perfect partnership. And I thought it was perfect because I wasn’t taking advantage of a living human being. And, I wasn’t being used by another human being. We just gave what we could and were happy with each other. You gave me a reason to be happy when I would walk out of my flat every morning in Colaba. I would walk out into the dirt, the heat, the stench, but I was happy. And when I wrote stories about you I would highlight you, and yes, sometimes point out the things that needed improvement, but either way, I gave you something of value. And I felt accepted. And I accepted you. It was really the most perfect love affair. I thought I was on my way to having everything figured out for myself and finally felt in a position like I was on the right track in life. But then it all came to a screeching halt when you banished me from your presence.
You know my boyfriends would get jealous of you. We would have conversations about me loving you more than I loved them. It’s true. And what could I say? It’s a different kind of love. Human love is imperfect and painful, but I thought this kind of love was safe from the pain humans inflict on each other purposefully and unknowingly. But low and behold, the pain is just the same.
So all I can do is wait for you. I still have hope. I am trying to become an even better journalist so that when I come back, I will be safe from being expelled. This is a desire that I don’t have to try and convince myself of. This is something I truly want. Someday it will be something I have once again.
